


the middle of my chaos

by wortschatz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Fluff, Healthy Relationships, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e02 The Powers that Be, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, me dropping hints for immortal alec? always
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 03:09:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14150628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wortschatz/pseuds/wortschatz
Summary: And in the midst of all that, there was Alec. Pulling him back to the ground, shifting everything so it made sense again. It was a feeling of comfort he had never experienced before and even though this wasn’t the first time Alec had made him feel that way, it was always this little, startledOh.





	the middle of my chaos

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hufflebee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflebee/gifts).



> Dedicated to the LOML - [Miss Francy](http://hufflebee.tumblr.com) :) I love you so much sunshine, and I hope today was everything you dreamt of and more! <3
> 
> Also special thanks to my anonymous blobfish [Jodie](http://alecfancywood.tumblr.com) for beta reading!! love you lots <3

It wasn't until they were in bed, hidden underneath golden sheets, that Magnus realised how fast his mind was racing. Most nights sleep would come easy with his arms wrapped around Alec's waist. It had quickly become a source of comfort, and on most days feeling Alec's back pressed against his chest would leave him feeling safe and calm. At ease.

 

After they had finished their drink on the balcony they had moved inside, the crisp air still a little bit too cold to spend too much time out there. Together they got ready for bed, and just thinking about the familiarity of the process made Magnus' heart clench almost painfully. It was a routine now, Alec and him getting ready for bed together, brushing their teeth next to each other, bumping shoulders and smiling at each other in the mirror. It was terribly domestic and it was something Magnus had craved all his life. To have someone who makes the little everyday things exciting. On any other day that feeling of comfort paired with the sound of Alec’s snores would lull him to sleep in a matter of minutes.

 

And yet, as Alec was sleeping soundly in his arms, he couldn't seem to put his mind to rest. It had been an exhausting few days, from losing his position as High Warlock, to Lorenzo’s party, breaking and entering Lorenzo’s mansion - though without the breaking in part according to Alec’s definition - and of course the fixing of the ley lines. All of that had taken a lot out of him. Technically, he should be passed out by now.

 

But the events of the day kept playing in his head. Faced with his father’s name being brought up, Magnus was tempted to shut down Alec’s questions, pretend as if knowing Asmodeus was from a simple feud from centuries ago. Greater demons were nasty things, and it wasn’t unusual for them to cause havoc in their realm. He could have gotten away with it. And yet, Alec knew. Because he made him want to be brave, to face his problems head on. He made him want to tell him, because for some to him inexplicable reason Alec hadn’t run for the hills yet. Deep down he knew Alec was better than that, that he would never do that to him. But it was the first time ever in his centuries of existence that he had shared so much of himself with another person. And it was a lot.

 

With a deep sigh, Magnus rolled away from Alec, accepting that sleep wouldn’t come anytime soon. Instead, he was now lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

 

“Magnus?”

 

Trust Alec to notice when Magnus wasn’t there, even in his sleep. It was endearing, really, how attuned he was to Magnus at this point, and Magnus would be lying if he said it didn’t warm his entire body.

 

“Go back to sleep, darling,” he said softly, not wanting to disturb the calm of the night.

 

“You okay?” Alec asked, twisting around to look at Magnus. His voice was rough, his hair rumpled from sleep. It was an image so soft that it stirred something deep inside of Magnus, and he couldn’t help but smile.

 

“Yes, I’m fine. You should get some rest, it’s been a long day,” he said, cupping Alec’s cheek and running his thumb beneath his eye.

 

“It has, but I’m not the one who almost drained my magic on top of everything else. Why aren’t you sleeping?” Alec asked, now fully turned towards Magnus, his hand resting on Magnus’ arm.

 

He should have known better. It was Alec he was talking to, after all. Alec, who kept pushing, albeit gently, when he knew there was something wrong, in hope he might get a chance to fix it or at least soothe whatever pain he could.

 

“I can’t,” Magnus sighed. “I don’t know why, I’m fine, I promise. I just… can’t get my thoughts to quiet down. It’s nothing, really.”

 

“It’s not nothing if it’s keeping you awake. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about, really,” he shrugged. “I’m just trying to process everything that happened in the past 24 hours. It’s been… a lot. Physically, and emotionally.”

 

“Yeah, it has.”

 

They fell back into silence, the only sound in the room coming from the traffic outside the window. It was late, but New York was referred to as _the city that never sleeps_ for a reason. It was one of the things Magnus loved about the city, that there was always something new to see, new things to experience without having to restrict yourself to a certain time of day.

 

The only time he wasn’t fond of the bustle down in the streets was in moments like this - when all he wanted to do was sleep with Alec wrapped up in his arms, to recharge for whatever challenges the new day would bring. But he knew that with everything that was on his mind there was no way he would find peace. Not if he didn’t talk about it. It was still scary, even though Alec had never faltered, never given him a reason to doubt that he wouldn’t run.

 

Alec knew. He knew about his mother, about what he’d done to his stepfather afterwards. He now knew about his father as well, and accepted it without judgement.

 

 _I care who_ **_you_ ** _are_.

 

Alec’s words ringing in his memory gave him the last push he needed, the little bit of courage to put his faith in Alec’s unwavering loyalty once again. So he swallowed, took a deep breath and with his eyes still fixed on the ceiling, he started talking.

 

“It’s just… I believe you when you say you don’t care about… all my baggage, trust me.” He paused, not knowing exactly how to make sense of his jumble of thoughts and feelings. “But it’s… a lot, you know? I’ve lived for so long, done and seen so many things, and not all of them are pretty. Being so open and sharing that with someone, it scares me. No matter how many times you prove that I have nothing to worry about.”

 

By the end of his confession, he felt a lump in his throat. It was still a strange feeling, making himself so vulnerable, baring his heart like that, and trusting Alec not to break it. He hadn’t, and Magnus knew he would never want to. He believed in the goodness of Alec’s soul, shining bright and only looking to heal, to help others; a striking contrast to what he was supposed to be based on his upbringing.

 

Shadowhunters weren’t known for their gentleness, for their kindness. And even though Magnus knew Alec at this point, knew how he was definitely the _warm and fuzzy_ kind despite what his sister may think, it continued to be the most pleasant surprise whenever Alec professed his love and kindness, in that wonderfully blunt way of his.

 

So when Alec took a deep breath, the words coming out of his mouth could not be further from what Magnus was expecting him to say.

 

“Do you remember that time with the memory demon?”

 

Despite not knowing where this was going, the thought brought a smile to Magnus’ face, made him turn back on his side so he could fully look at Alec.

 

“How could I forget? That’s the day we met.”

 

“Yeah,” Alec smiled back just as softly. “And I know that day was… a mess, and things didn’t go as planned. But if we had to face a memory demon now, I need you to know that this time, I wouldn’t be afraid. The demon would demand my happiest memory of the person I love the most, and it would be one of you. And I’d be sad to let it go, but I know that I will get a million more of those happy memories with you.”

 

And there it was again. That feeling of Alec stating things as if they were facts, rendering him speechless as if it was nothing.

 

After a beat or two he found his voice again.

 

“But what about your family?”

 

“What makes you think you’re not part of that?”

 

Magnus felt his breath hitch, felt his heart miss a beat only to pick up speed right after. Judging from the way Alec’s smile got even softer, he could tell.

 

“I love my family, you’re right. I will always want to protect them, keep them safe and happy.”

 

He paused.

 

“But you _are_ family. All my happiest memories are now with you, Magnus. I’d be crazy to give that up,” he whispered.

 

 _Family_. Magnus knew Alec loved him, he didn’t doubt him. Not that Alec would leave him room for any doubt, reminding him in a million small ways everyday. It was in the way Alec would smile at him, that big smile that made his eye crinkle; how he was so attuned to sleeping next to him that whenever Magnus twisted away from him in his sleep, Alec would follow only to snuggle up to him again. It was in the way he would bring him small gifts that he thought Magnus would appreciate; and sometimes it was in the way he would miss a shot at pool, even if it went against every fibre of his being.

 

But family? That was a whole different level of love. It held the quiet promise of a future, of a forever, destined for them.

 

Magnus didn’t think he’d have the strength to answer, so when he finally did, his voice came out breathless.

 

“I would never want you to. But what does have that to do with anything?”

 

“I know you. I may not know all parts of you yet and maybe I never will, but I still know _you_. And earlier today, you had that look on your face again. As if you’re bracing yourself, waiting for me to bolt.”

 

At that, Alec’s smile turned sad. He took a deep breath, running his hand up and down Magnus’ arm.

 

“It’s not gonna happen, Magnus. I need you to know that when I say I’m not going anywhere, I mean it. Not now, not ever. Nothing you choose to share with me can change that. Nothing will make me want you any less.”

 

His gaze was so intense, that Magnus couldn’t help but look away for a moment. He felt his eyes sting with tears, and this time the lump in his throat was for a completely different reason. Clearly, Alec was not done talking yet though, putting two of his fingers underneath Magnus’ chin and lifting it back up so he could look into his eyes.

 

“Hey,” Alec whispered, cupping his cheek. “When I say I love you, I mean all parts of you. Even the ones you may not like yourself very much.”

 

And _God_ , if that statement didn’t settle into all the cracks of his bruised and battered heart. His past being brought up always left him feeling unsettled, as if he was spinning out of control. In his worst moments, it left him feeling as if he was choking, unable to escape the shadows.

 

And in the midst of all that, there was Alec. Pulling him back to the ground, shifting everything so it made sense again. It was a feeling of comfort he had never experienced before and even though this wasn’t the first time Alec had made him feel that way, it was always this little, startled _Oh. You’re here. You’re here, and you’re not going anywhere. Even if it means standing in the middle of my chaos._

 

“I love you, too.”

 

It didn’t feel like enough, it never did. Magnus was convinced there were no words in the world to express his feelings towards Alec. It was a constellation of feelings; gratitude, comfort, reassurance, safety, _home_. It was all-encompassing, the kind of love Magnus had been looking for his entire life. And here it finally was, after centuries of searching. So no, it never felt like enough, no matter how many times he told Alec he loved him. But judging from the warmth in Alec’s eyes, from the way his smile lit up his entire face, Alec seemed to understand.

 

“I love you more.”

 

Magnus snorted, “Do you have to make everything a competition?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Fine,” he said with a fond eye roll. “Then I love you most.”

 

“Impossible.”

 

“It’s not.”

 

“Hey, give me this one today,” Alec chuckled. ”We all need some extra love sometimes, and you’re the one who’s still up at 3am, unable to sleep.”

 

“Fine, but only if I get tomorrow.”

 

“Deal.”

 

Beaming at each other, they both knew they were kidding. That there was no competition in love. No need to outdo each other. The banter had simply become part of their dynamic, both of them competitive to a fault. And yet, as he snuggled back into Alec’s arms, burrowing his head in Alec’s neck, he felt the need to repeat himself.

 

“I really do love you, Alexander,” he whispered. “More than I can put into words.”

 

“I know,” Alec said and pressed a kiss to Magnus’ forehead. “I love you, too. Always.”

 

And suddenly, the world seemed calmer. Nothing had changed. The events of the past few days can’t be reversed; it was still this whirlwind of experiences he had to work through. His father would always be his father, no matter how much he despised him, no matter how much he wished he could deny it. Lorenzo still had the position as High Warlock. Whatever corrupted the ley lines was still out there.

 

But Alec knew all that as well as he did. Alec _knew, and he chose to stay._ For the first time in his entire life someone had decided that he wasn’t _too much_ or _not good enough;_ that he didn’t come with too much baggage. Alec loved him for who he was.

 

So really, maybe everything had changed. Change was scary. Opening up to someone as much as he had was scary. And yet, in the warmth of Alec’s embrace, he couldn’t help but feel that maybe facing that fear was worth it, for a love like theirs.

 

It was shortly after that he heard the all too familiar sound of Alec’s snoring. With a chuckle, he pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s neck.

 

“Goodnight, Alexander,” he whispered.

 

This time, sleep not letting him wait long at all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/allforeffort) and [tumblr](http://highwarlockofhell.tumblr.com) if you want to! :)


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